Half-hearted

Two years post heart attack I am pondering my condition and grappling with my limitations. Yes . . . the same struggle I’ve been grappling with since the event two Octobers ago. I hate to admit it, but . . . that is where I am on many days.

And it occurred to me a few days ago that since the pumping power of my heart is about half of what it was when I was healthy, I am now permitted to do things half-heartedly.

Of course, if you are still reading (and have not long since left this site since you are being made to endure the words of someone self-absorbed, self-pitying, and moanful) I want to apologize for my poor attitude and selfish orientation and present a message more hopeful, more other-centered; in essence, more healthy.

The truth is, each day is a gift. And my own level of health (although not as it once was) is good. I am seldom if ever sick, and I am able to work a part-time job and engage in many activities. The preponderance of personal pronouns in the previous paragraphs (highlighted for your enjoyment) is a not-so-subtle indicator of self-absorption. Apologies are in order.

So sorry!

[You note the avoidance of personal pronouns now, right?]

Half-heartedness in any endeavor is not permissible, of course. But I have fallen prey to the temptation to “make everything about me.” Prompted by fear, this orientation is counter-productive.

Life is challenging enough. But when one plants one’s own emotional IEDs and then complains when they explode . . . it is nothing short of madness.

Today, my oldest grandchild came dashing over at his first sighting of me and leapt up in the air, trusting that I would catch him. He is 7 & 1/2; not nearly a toddler anymore. I can’t run and play with him with much vigor anymore, and I must avoid lifting heavy objects. But . . . I wouldn’t trade that leap into my arms for $1,000,000. Or . . . for perfect health.

I am learning about my true identity through this heart attack and its aftermath. Things I never would have known about are coming into focus. There is no price that can be placed on that kind of clarity.

So, I will not proceed half-heartedly through the remainder of my days; rather, whole-heartedly. I will need reminders, of course. To stay on track. Be that as it may.

I think I am growing up.